After reaching the bottom of that deep hole my life had turned into, I decided it was about time to do something about it.

One of those days I spoke about what I was going through with some of my colleagues and found out they had been through something similar, that is how our open, honest and safe conversation started. I couldn’t be more grateful for having found not one but two people that shared my experience and were keen to listen and help. I had just realised the value of having a support network and was reassured that opening up about your difficulties is not always a lost cause. They recommended me to reach out to Steps-to-wellbeing (an NHS service that provides therapy) and asking my GP for some advice and potentially try medication in order to take the edge off and create some space to heal.

This taught me that having a supportive environment, your friends, colleagues or family and talking to them, is the most valuable weapon we have to fight for our mental-health. We need to remember that we are never alone. Even if you don’t think you have anybody around you, there are helplines and people online that are going or have gone through the same and are willing to listen and help you, as long as you allow them.

Two people holding hands by Priscilla du Preez

So the next day I booked an appointment with my doctor and explained the situation, and he dispensed some antidepressants. But after buying the meds and reading the leaflet, I have to admit I chickened out, and just let a few more months go by.

In the meantime, I also started the process with Steps-to-wellbeing. They initially gave me access to a phone app where you were meant to complete daily exercises, but I found this made me feel even more lonely and frustrated, so I ended up abandoning it. They offered me a different kind of therapy through chat, but the waiting list was long.

So I waited for it and finally got through, but this didn’t work for me either. I needed to hear the voice of an actual person at a decent pace and be able to explain my experience using all the emphasis that a real voice can give. Different types of help will be adequate for different kinds of people, so if the first therapy you go through or the first therapist you contact doesn’t work for you, please don’t give up!

I spoke to Steps-to-wellbeing again and they offered me CBT, but again there was a long wait. So, in the meantime, I found my own therapist. Unfortunately, private therapy is expensive and not affordable to everyone, but if you can afford it, it will help in most cases. I found someone trained in CBT techniques that helped me over a few months until I was feeling more stable, and it was one of the best investments I have ever made.

During that time, I had a meltdown at work, over something as silly as one of the receptionists booking a consult that was clearly going to take quite long just before my break. It was the first time I had lost it during working hours, and the sensation of loosing grasp over myself, of losing control of the situation, scared me more than I could admit.

So I booked another GP appointment, and this time he suggested that perhaps I should take some time off. A tornado of thoughts invaded my head at that time: “I couldn’t be signed off, that would put so much pressure on my colleagues and it’s not their fault!”, “I am not that weak so as to need time off, I can do this, I can push through this and become stronger!”, “Being a vet is all I have ever wanted to do, all I ever wanted to become, what will I do, what will I be if I can’t be that?”, “What are my employers going to think of me if I get signed off? Would they fire me? Would they treat me worse or think less of me?”. Oh, the irony of letting your anxiety take the lead and preventing you from doing the things that would make it better. It is a bit like if it was a living being, trying by all means to survive, feeding from you, ensuring you would not do anything that might harm her.

Cat at doctors by Werzk Luuuuuuu

As you can imagine, I opted for not being signed off that time, and things continued to get worse. Luckily for me, my GP had been clever and caring enough to book a follow-up appointment a few weeks down the line, and then a few weeks after that. It was a relief to be able to talk to him about how I felt, but he also, slowly and carefully, convinced me to accept being signed off. You would think that made things better, but spoiler alert: it did not.

I will continue with this story on the following post of the series, so if you’d like to continue reading, please follow this link!